A lot of my friends don’t speak Spanish, so I get a lot of questions, especially when somebody’s on their way to Mexico. How do you tell somebody you have to go to the bathroom? Number One? Number Two? What if somebody tries to sell you something and rips you off? How do you tell the bastard to go fuck himself? And how do I say I want my tacos extra spicy?
Well, I have these answers, and I deliver them, in all their color. I also dispense the basics, the mandatory advice, the things people really need when they travel, the words and phrases we all have to have to make it through the day. No, I’m not talking about basic counting, or how to ask directions to the restroom. No, mis amigos, I am talking about PROFANITY!! What else? It’s the first thing you learned in your high school Spanish class, anyway, and if you learned something else first, like how to say your name, I’m sure you forgot that and retained all the expletives. Didn’t you? That’s what’s essential. After all, we’re talking how to make yourself understood, and what better way to communicate than in an F-bomb-laced tirade? (you know I speak the truth)
In the spirit of global peace, communication, and fraternal understanding, and on behalf of real language teachers everywhere, I give you the Gringo-Mexicano Dictionary of Profanity, Part One!
-I’m shitting my pants. Cago mierda.
-I’m drunk as fuck. Estoy borrachísimo, a la chingada.
-I like your ass. [Smile, just smile.]
-Fuck you! ¡Chíngate!
-You know what? You’re an asshole. ¿Sabes qué? Eres un pendejo.
-No, I don’t wanna fuck you. Leave me alone! [Walk away]
-You’re a real S.O.B. Eres un hijo de puta.
-You’re fucking hot! [Wink, blow a kiss, grind on ’em]
-Another tequila, please. Otra tequila, por favor.
-Don’t touch me, fascist! [Throw middle finger]
-My butthole is sore. Me duele el culo.
-Got any Cheetos? Fuck no, Gringo, you already have one!
Got that last one, right?
Seriously, have fun with the profanity! Unless you mis-time it and someone wants to shoot you, or kick your ass, it’s a sure-fire way to win friends, have fun, and quite possibly to influence people–you know, to make that double shot a triple, to get that super nice guy to call you a cab back to the hotel, or maybe, just maybe, to want to go to bed with you. You never know.
Until the next profanity, uh, I mean language lesson…