Jódeme, pues, I don’t have that kind of money. Really, I don’t have $25 billion sitting around. The last time I lifted up the cushions on the couch where my daughter likes to sit, I found a dead piece of bubble gum, a lollipop stick, and 27 cents, with the pennies worn and barely recognizable. And now Donald F.U. Trump wants us all to pay for a border wall, and threatens to slap Mexico with a 20% import tariff? You have to be kidding me. We aren’t going to just make that money fabulously and miraculously appear, though if I could, for Christ’s sake, I would!
For all of you who think this may be a good idea, just think of how much more everything is going to cost, you know, your produce–tomatoes, lettuce, avocados. I’ll bet you like a kick-ass guacamole, don’t you? What if your avocados cost $15 apiece? If you have enough cash lying around where that won’t at least raise an eyebrow, then maybe you can spot me a twenty some time. Just sayin’.
Oh, and what about your tequila? That’ll cost more, too.
Not to mention what this will do to any semblance of neighborly relations and goodwill. I mean, if your next door neighbor publicly shamed you and called you a drug dealer and a rapist, then proposed to build a monumentally high barrier between you, then have you pay for it, you’d probably say no, right? More likely, you would tell your neighbor to go fuck himself, you know, chíngate, pendejo! And, to continue the example, let’s say you did tell his racist ass to go fuck himself, and he threatened you with financial consequences that would potentially really harm you, you wouldn’t be too kindly disposed to him, would you?
I didn’t think so. At least privately, you’d have to say the guy is really an asshole.
Furthermore, assuming this wall actually gets built (with the American taxpayer taking it in the shorts in the form of outrageously expensive guacamole and tequila,) does anyone think it’s really going to work? Will this excrescence really serve as a deterrent? Look, I grew up in New Mexico and spent a lot of time in Río Arriba County, and we all know there’s never been a fence that couldn’t be walked around, jumped over, dug under, or cut. This is not the solution. This wall is embarrassing. It is one man’s rage, not what we collectively want. I’d like to have unfettered access to my tequila, and I’m sure you would, too, regardless of that bad experience you may have had in high school. You may never drink it again, but I’m planning on it, so please, be a good Samaritan here–let’s not content ourselves with motherfucking Coors Light.
So, seriously, what can you do? Gringos, get involved. Put your Senators and Representatives on speed dial. Stay informed. Protest. Donate to the ACLU, and no matter what else you do, smile at a Mexican today. This person may have busted his or her ass and risked life and limb to get here, all in the pursuit of a better future, greater security for their family, and a little well-earned peace of mind, just like you and me. If you don’t know Spanish, learn a few words, but whatever you do, be kind to them. We could all use a friend about now.
Mexicanos: we love you. We’re with you. Keep with us. Sigan en la lucha. This will pass; we’re having a fucking nightmare right now.